Cognitive Distortions Contribute to Continuing Addiction Patterns in Families:
Here is a list of cognitive distortions. Also, here's what you can do to protect against them.
Cognitive distortions can happen to anyone!
This article will help you identify them and protect against them.
People in or recovering from addiction, and their families, are much more likely to have thinking distortions. Both the individual and family members can have multiple cognitive distortions in every interaction.
Believing a cognitive distortion is true causes long-term pain for you and your family members. Cognitive distortions also decrease connection between family members. They become a barrier to building trust.
What is a cognitive distortion?
There are many kinds of cognitive distortions.
Basically, it’s an exaggerated pattern of thought that’s not based in facts.
In other words, cognitive distortions are your mind convincing you to believe things about self, another, and/or your world that are not necessarily true.
Most often, cognitive distortions are negative.
I’ll jump right into the list and the examples of each.
Some examples include more than one cognitive distortion. Can you find them?
All or Nothing Thinking
You think only in black and white. This stops you from seeing things on a spectrum.
Example: I’m at a party with the intention of staying sober. I’m told the punch is non-alcoholic, so I taste it and determine there’s a little bit of rum in it. I say to myself, I’ve blown my sobriety; WTF, I’ll just have more alcohol.
Overgeneralization
You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern. You use words such as “always” or “never” and assume the pattern cannot change.
You make broad statements that are based on your opinion, but speak as though they are facts.
Example: You are always going to be an addict: I can never trust you.
Mental Filter
You obsess and dwell on the negative feedback for days. You quickly forget the much more positive feedback.
Example: Your partner acknowledges your successes to others at a work function. On the way home, they share that you have room to improve as well. You interpret your partner as being unsupportive. The next morning, you’re still dwelling on their words: ‘you have room to improve as well.’
Discounting the Positive
You receive positive feedback from multiple people. However, you dismiss it with your own self talk.
Example: You tell yourself, ‘the positive feedback doesn’t count; I know I wasn’t good enough.’
Jumping to Conclusions
You interpret things negatively (about yourself or another) without considering other possibilities. You assume without checking in, and conclude they're reacting negatively to you.
Example: You haven’t said anything to me this morning. I apologized for coming home drunk last night. Why are you still mad at me?
Catastrophizing is similar to “Jumping to Conclusions” but attempts to predict the future.
Example: You’re just like every other addict, you’ll probably relapse at our daughter’s wedding next week.
Magnification/Minimization
You magnify your problems and challenges, and minimize your strengths and successes.
Example: I am a loyal breadwinner for my family, but because of my past drinking, I feel like a loser.
Emotional Reasoning
You think something is true because you “feel” and believe it so strongly. But, you dismiss evidence to the contrary.
Example: Even though you are the breadwinner for our family, I feel hurt by your past drinking. I don’t know why I married you.
“Should” Statements
You have a fixed idea about how you and/or others should behave. You overestimate how bad it is when these expectations are not met.
Example: He told me that he would pay back the money I loaned him; he didn’t. He should be in alignment with his word.
“Should” statements directed at oneself lead to guilt and frustration. “Should” statements directed at another lead to conflict, anger and frustration. When we hold onto the “should” statement, we can’t heal from the pain.
Labeling
Labeling is a stronger form of all or nothing thinking. You see a deficit in yourself or another, attach a label to it, and miss the whole person and the context.
Example: You use drugs and say to yourself, “I’m just a drug addict, I don’t deserve to have a good life.”
Your brother uses drugs. You say to yourself, “My brother is just a drug addict and a looser. He’s never productively contributed to anything in our household.”
Labels like “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” remove one’s humanness and dignity. They lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, conflict, and low self-esteem.
Personalization and Blame
You hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control.
Example: I should have taken them to work and picked them up, so they didn’t stop off at the bar after work.
Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or circumstances for their problems. They overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem.
Example: The reason why they stopped off to get a drink after work is because they are a good for nothing addict.
Blame usually doesn’t work well because the person blamed resents being scapegoated; they toss the blame back into your lap. It also leaves you relatively powerless to change a situation. You can only change your own thoughts and actions. You cannot force someone else to change; or if you do force change, they can retaliate and make you wish you hadn’t. Anger and conflict can continue for years.
How you can protect your relationships against cognitive distortions
There are several individual strategies to protect yourself (and your relationships) against believing and acting on a cognitive distortion.
However, couples who both want to eliminate cognitive distortions from their communication have an advantage. But, they can only benefit if they can work together.
Here’s a list of individual strategies to protect against cognitive distortions:
Identify your cognitive distortion. On a daily basis, write a list of all troublesome thoughts. Periodically, come back to this list to identify potential cognitive distortions.
Become curious and examine the evidence. Ideally, curiosity and through examination can help you identify the evidence. If this is difficult, or you are quite critical of yourself, use a brainstorming method. Come up with different possibilities.
Use compassionate language you’d use with a good friend. When your self-talk is harsh or demeaning, shift your thinking. Imagine what you’d say to a friend in the same situation.
Thinking in shades of gray. Instead of thinking about your problem in terms of either/or, which forces the mind to choose between only two options, identify at least one or two other options. Alternatively, use a 1-10 scale.
Dig deep into definitions of a label. If you’re labeling self or other, look up the definition of the label. The definition will likely identify behaviors linked to the label, rather than the whole person.
Consider factors that contribute to your problem (or situation). Identify external factors and other individuals that have contributed to the problem. Regardless of the degree of responsibility you assume (or attribute to another), your energy is best utilized in the pursuit of resolutions. Also, identify ways to cope with the problem.
Ask, ‘how are you benefiting by believing this thought?’ A cost/benefit analysis will help you discover what you are gaining from believing a distorted thought and feeling bad.
You can protect your relationships against cognitive distortions
There are several strategies to protect your intimate relationship against believing and acting on a cognitive distortion. However, there’s a caveat. Both partners need to be committed.
to eliminate cognitive distortions from their communication have an advantage. But, they can only benefit if they can work together.
Couples have an advantage, but only if:
They are both committed to eliminating their own cognitive distortions
They can incrementally reduce taking cognitive distortions personally
They can approach this exercise with playfulness and fun
The can laugh at themselves
When you recognize that you have used a cognitive distortion, speak it out loud to your partner. This could be sharing your own self-talk or in playful conversation. If you can do this (and follow the four bullet points above) you do two things:
Create conditions that enable health vs. old patterns that reinforce addiction
Model to a skill they can learn and use for the rest of their lives
Granted, this suggestion may not be a fit for every couple right now. Start your own practice of identifying cognitive distortions and let it ripple into your relationship in its own time.
Right now, you decide what is best for your situation.
You have the power to protect yourself against cognitive distortions!
Either way, start now.
The list of Cognitive Distortions come from “The Feeling Good Handbook” by D. D. Burns 1999. I created the examples. Please let me know if you disagree or have a different perspective for any of the examples. Also, let me know if you disagree with anything in this article.