Do you know the first step to intervene on your loved one’s addiction?
Tammy was 22 years old and had just gotten out of her 3rd rehab. Each time, her father got her into treatment by threatening to take away her financial support. Each time, when Tammy completed the 90 day program she had a brand new BMW waiting for her at home.
Tammy remembered her father being at work most of her growing up - “the only one to one conversations I remember with my father was when he threatened to remove all financial support if I didn’t go into treatment”. Her mother paid a little more attention to her, but was often at the country club. “She was a social climber.”
Cigarettes, alcohol and hard liquor were easy for Tammy to get and when she drank, no one seemed to know or care. “My parents didn’t pay attention to me, so I raised myself.”
Does Tammy’s father’s strategy, which he used three times, seem like a good first step?
Keep reading to learn why understanding past strategies is crucial!
Why is it important to understand what you’ve tried so far?
Take time to pause and be curious about what strategies you’ve tried to get your loved one into treatment. Acknowledge aspects that worked and what didn’t work so well. They give valuable clues to what - from the perspective of your loved one - is being missed.
When, as in the case with Tammy, the same strategy had been tried over and over and it didn’t result in longterm success. Why? Your curiosity can generate questions. Like, why did threatening to take away her financial support work to get her into treatment, but did not work longterm?
Let’s put some questions in a sequence that best supports you identifying specifically what worked and didn’t, so you’ll have longterm success.
Here’s how to get specific about what you’ve tried so far
We will use Tammy’s story to go through these questions.
What approach or purposeful efforts have you used to change your loved one?
Tammy’s parent’s approach was to threaten her with having her financial support taken away.
What was the context or details of that approach?
First, her father took off work to have one to one conversation with her. He may have been short, frustrated, or irritated that he had to leave his work (I was curious about work addiction).
What power and communication dynamic may have been involved?
I think it’s obvious that Tammy’s father had power over her because he controlled the finances. I suspect relational trauma. Tammy may have felt some of these: abandonment, lack of belonging, worthless, lack of self esteem . . . all of this falls into the same bucket: feeling not enough.
How much effort did you (and/or other family members) expend?
Because Tammy’s father had to leave work, I’m guessing that he may have felt he put in a lot of effort. However, I question that.
(In answering this question yourself, it can be helpful to use a 1-5 scale where 1 is very little and 5 is a lot).
How much changed? A lot to a little?
Tammy went into treatment all 3 times, so there was change. However, each time threatening to remover financial support was the strategy and each time it resulted in relapse. So, I’m not sure how much changed. Would you be happy with this outcome?
(In answering this question yourself, it can be helpful to use a 1-5 scale where 1 is very little and 5 is a lot).
Now it’s your turn to write down the five underlined questions. With your family brainstorming possible answers. It may seem uncomfortable when different people answer these differently, but you can learn so much from the range of perspectives.
Expect different perspectives.
Allow for different perspectives.
Learning from different perspectives is a first major step.
But I haven’t intervened on my loved one’s drug or alcohol use before
Congrats to you for reaching out for education before talking to your loved one about accepting help. Know that families can influence their loved one to accept help, but know two things: you must change first, and it’s a process.
I teach three incremental pathways, each building on the previous one.
It didn’t go well; It’s hard for me to remember any specifics
When we don’t approach the intervening conversation with a plan, addiction will likely control the conversation and pull you off of your goal.
If you can’t remember details, you may have been uncomfortable to the point of your body being overwhelmed. These conversations can be intense. Overwhelm is not unusual, but regulating your nervous system and staying calm is mandatory.
Before intervening on addiction again, start a daily practice of calming your body. Staying calm and staying focused on your goal will increase the conversation ending well.
Tammy’s story is an example of what can happen. Your loved one may acquiesce to your request, which can appear like success, but doesn’t result in longterm recovery. Connecting your loved one’s underlying reason for use with your families offering help, can provide longterm motivation.
Be prepared.
Reach out to me if you’d like to have a no charge conversation. www.alcoholbioquiz.com