This is key for you - the family - to change your loved one’s drug or alcohol use
In my article, “Do You Know the First Step to Intervene on Your Loved One’s Addiction?” Tammy’s father went straight to threatening her financial support to get her to go to rehab. He wasn’t curious: how was alcohol a benefit to Tammy? For example: how initially alcohol may have been a temporary solution to one of Tammy’s struggles.
In this article, we look at a preliminary step Tammy’s father missed. Asking:
What benefits Tammy got from drinking?
What costs Tammy endured from drinking?
Answering these questions gives you intimate insight into your loved one’s world. You’ll use this information to incrementally shift the power dynamic between you and addiction. Skip this step and risk watching your loved one relapse over and over, like Tammy’s three rehab stays with repeated relapses.
Why discovering the benefits and costs of your loved one’s using drugs or alcohol is important
This is important because those closest to the individual can reduce the benefits and increase the costs of using (natural consequences).
You can start this process by answering the questions below.
The Benefits:
What does your loved one like about using drugs or alcohol?
What unpleasant things does drugs and alcohol help them to avoid?
The Costs:
What are the problems that drugs or alcohol cause them?
What pleasant things do they miss out on as a result of taking drugs or alcohol?
Important: Right now, jot down answers to these questions.
But I don’t know how to answer these questions
Okay. Commit to keeping these questions top-of-mind over time. Talk with other family members. Brainstorm. Take your best guess.
But write them down!
The next time you’re talking with your loved one, think about what you wrote down. Edit if needed.
Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to ask one question to your loved one. If you ask one, listen to what they say. Listen deeply. Also, listen for what’s not being said.
If you do ask your loved one question from the above list, make sure you’re grounded, present, and can regulate your own nervous system.
The secret is staying connected to them.
Remain calm. Bonus points if they feel heard.
All they need to do is stop, how can this information be useful?
First, an individual in early recovery has to do more than ‘just stop’ - much more. They can’t just remove a reward like using, at least without replacing it with something else.
Know that it’s not your decision what they replace using with; it’s their decision.
Second, you can use the benefits and costs information in two ways:
You decrease the benefits, and increase the costs (natural consequences)
You use this information to personalize the Family Recovery Message
Think back to the story of Tammy and her father.
What if her father was open to really trying to understand how his daughter benefited (or initially benefited) from using?
What if her father took the time to name the problems he saw from her using and what she missed out on?
Although ultimatums or giving choices may come later, going through the work of understanding benefits and costs of using requires empathy. It’s a very different mindset. If, like Tammy’s father, empathy doesn’t come easy bring this topic to your therapist; it’s time and money well spent!
Family member’s understanding the benefits and costs of their loved one’s using is a step I introduce to all families. It’s that powerful!
If you’d like to chat about how I use this tool, connect with me at sjeffjones@me.com